Lesson #19: Wait your FUCKING turn

So I was waiting to cross at the lights today and there’s this road near my work that’s the bane of my existence.

Why?

Well, the intersection’s guarded by this set of traffic lights that loves to fuck with you. If you miss that green man on approach, you’ll have to wait another five fucking minutes. Anyway, first world problems, I know. All of this is beside the point anyway. The point is that I missed that green man. I was running late and I was flustered and I missed him. So I waited. And waited. And soon other people started to build up around me. And then more people had to wait to. But then, people started waiting in FRONT of me. My toes were like a diver’s, gripping to the edge of the gutter, but that didn’t seem to matter. It seemed that these fuckers deemed their waiting experience more important than the rest of us. And they actually eclipsed my frame as if I was invisible. It killed me. I just wanted to shove them into the traffic stream and kill them. I wanted to watch them get flattened and laugh at the blood pooling out from underneath their pancake bodies. And then I’d be cackling “Red man! Red man! Red man!”

Tags: traffic; road rage; anger; city; mean; mean spirited; selfish; fucker; fuck; jerk; vent; 

Lesson #18: Damn the businessman!

 If I walk along the street, only to hit a businessDAM, one more time, I’m going to blog about it...twice. These men, these suited-up self-wankers are the bane of my existence. They congregate in metropolis’ wherever paths are emaciated and wherever congestion is at its most thick. That’s where they glue together and talk business while the rest of the world squeezes around them, basking is their glory stories. We skirt around their slicked back silver manes and their sun-splintering spiffy shoes while they congratulate each other on making the world that much more difficult by inconveniencing the poor crumby plebeians that allow them to be the fuckers they are.

And what’s worse is when the businessdamned break. They say their goodbyes and slap each other on the back. But not before they take no notice of the rats around them. They just blissfully knock their way back into human traffic. They idly walk backwards into the fluid stream of human garbage making its way by. And, as they interrupt life’s flow, they continue their bullshit conversation, laughing at things that aren’t funny before smiling to themselves. No doubt thinking “You’re one hell of a guy, Matt”

Lesson #17 Don’t be a grumpy old man...

As I scrambled up a hill, my muscles lava-lamping like yolky eggs, I almost got beat up by an geriatric fucker. He was in his seventies. He had skin like stretched out caramel toffee. He had but a few wisps of hair grinding against the breeze. He was a force to be reckoned with. The old man came at me like a brain-dead ninja, swapping a regal sword for a jagged umbrella. It swang back and forth like a fuckwit pendulum – like a bratty kid kicking their bratty legs up on a swing.

Lucky for me, I dodged that wooden bullet. But as I swerved he smirked. And that’s when I lodged my plea: A fuckhole, he be. That fuckhole, please  not me.

tags: old; man; grumpy; angry; mean; bitter; dickhead; jerk; rude; vent

Lesson #16: Don’t be a blow hard...

Today I was rudely awoken to a leaf blower stabbing at my open window. With my dreams shattered and my eyes crusty, I slammed my window in rage-filled protest. But, alas, it’s not the fault of the gardeners at the waterfront mansion next door, it’s that of the rich fuckers who schedule it in for 7:30 in the morning so when they return from work, in the pitch black dark, the darkness won’t be filled with the fragrant scent of Autumn. Lucky they have it done every week though, or else the equally rich next door neighbours might start vicious rumours that they’re broke as a camel’s back.

tags: leaf blower, douche bag, annoy, annoyed, annoying, citizen, garden, gardening, sleep,   neighbour, neighbour, crazy, stupid

Lesson #15: Shut UP...

Talking loudly on your mobile phone in public is a sure-fire way to prove to the world how truly uninteresting you really are. No, it’s not cool that you went to that party. No, it’s not awesome that you’re a businessman. No, it’s not impressive that you are in high demand. Yes, you’re a cunt. 

tags: cell phone, mobile phone, electronics, public transport, bus, train, annoy, annoys, annoying, loud, noise pollution, shut up, crazy, stupid, first world problems, cunt, fuck, fucker